Well, now that Heather finally read my blog and left four comments when one would've worked, I know where I need to defend myself ('Cause I knew I would have to...) Oh, and all instances of Heather using my real name, which I'm very careful not to use here jave been replaced by Fox. (Just because you feel safe to use names in your journal doesn't mean I want you throwing them around here.)
Yes Fox, if you knew how absolutely little I appreciate that. Gads I wish you had some clue as to why I need to write a journal entry about you. Well, maybe you should have told me, instead of just telling me you wrote it... I feel so extremely hurt, right now. You are entirely way too selfish. I sit there and listen to your droning on about guys and how all of them are potentially gay No... That was just one, and when he gave an answer, I shut up, except for a couple times when the subject was already pretty much on him already. And I never droned. I would say something, let you refute it if you wished, let you make your points, and so on. If you didn't want to hear it, you could've told me to shut up. But you never do, because for some odd reason you think it won't work, even though you've never tried it. and I try to stay positive and actually listen and give you my input And I appreciate that. and then I try to get ANY advice whatsoever about this lame Bobby situation.... which I can't give because I don't know him at all! You were asking for advice before I knew what he looked like. And I'm sorry, but you know as well as I that I'm not gonna be able to speak for other guys, especially ones in situations that I haven't been in. I'm the hypocritical bitch... yes ok. Because you're all about giving the advice I never ask for... I wish you would just once fiegn an interest and try to be a friend to me I do. But you're too preoccupied to notice, I guess. I mean, why does it have to be the other way around only? It doesn't. I never tried to make it that way at all. And I am (oh sorry, was) your closest friend but you can't support me through any of my little tiny That's an understatement crush which Shannon and I JOKINGLY refer to as stalking. I'm aware it's a joke. But it's the most fitting way to refer to it, because that's how you do. If you want me to call what you're doing something else, give me an option of some sort. All other ideas I have still, in essence, are "stalking" in some way. Why do you have to blow his up into a huge dramatic thing when it could have been a little tiny argument in which we just talked things out? Oh, I don't know.... Maybe because you never talk to me outside of school, and I didn't trust myself not to make it some big, unwanted-attention-drawing thing if I tried to talk about it at school. You could have asked my something, Like what, exactly? I mean, how the FUCK am I supposed to know what's going through that curly little head of yours? By reading what I wrote in this blog, because you never really gave me any other options to let you know, thanks. But instead you join a new lunch table Sorry for not wanting to be near a source of current bitterness and anger. I mean, that would make it so much better! ( and EVERYDAY I asked someone why you weren't sitting with me, I'm the only one who really cared) Which is why you asked anyone but me, the person who would be able to give an naswer. Riiiiight.... and sit and stew and call me your ex-friend. Actually, I sat at the other table so that I'd be doing something to get my mind off of things. Flynn is a very good distraction, in cases like this. And I call you an ex-freind, currently, becasuse you haven't done anything to redeem yourself in my eyes. Do you know how many things I could have rightfully punched you in the face about? Do you understand that I wouldn't give a shit if you did? Pain means nothing to me. I wish it did, but it doesn't. And ther are many, many things I would've punched you for, if it werent' for the fac tthat I know it wouldn't do much. Do you understand how mean and cocky you have gotten, especially towards me? Me, cocky? When did that happen? I don't consider myself above amny people, and the ones I do I have good reason to. You aren't one of them. Sorry for becoming less self depriciating and sorta confident. God knows that If I were to actually like myself in some way, it'd be horrible... ("Must make you feel great about how you looked last fall" If you can't recognize when I'm not being serious by now, I'm not sure how you could've ever thought you knew me well. "I showed Flynn your picture and he was like 'Who's that?' but then I told him it was you and he was like 'oh nevermind' and I guess I can kinda see what he was talking about." As in, if I saw a picture of an attractive person and found out it was my ex, I'd do the same thing.) And I think the whole lj entry was about you going and randomly talking to Bobby and creeping him out. Glad you think enough of me to have checked... And you would have know that had you asked. Uh huh... I would think it'd be kind of relevant what an enrty about my "creepyness" was about right when you told me about it, not something I had to ask you about. But that's just my opinion, you don't have to listen to it. After all, I said it. Why couldn't you just talk to me? Because you never give me a chance. And why should I talk to you when I feel like I need to be defensive whenever I'm around you. Why do you need to be defensive around me?
Have I not supported you Yes, you have not. and acted like I was interested Because acting interested is so much better than being interested, or being honest... in what you were saying the entire time we've been friends? And I was really just starting to feel like I could hold great converstaions Because hey!--you started listening! with you, really connect (while sucking up all the negative energy you were throwing directly at meThat was never serious until that entry...) Too bad you had to lie with your "But most of all I love Heather Wilken," It wasn't a lie, then. Glad you think that my current feelings apply to all actions I made, ever... b/c I felt really special. I said outloud in public AT OUR SCHOOL "I love Fox Fox'slastname," and I meant it. As opposed to actually letting me know... But I have no clue how I am supposed to react to this. DId I say you had to? I hope you've gotten the much needed Umm... no. but totally unnessicary Well, 1 out of 2 ain't bad... drama in your life for now. Do you know what I'd give to be completely absolved of any drama, just for a day? (I mean, I know that if it happened, I'd hate it, but it's the principle) Thanks for posting this in your BLOG so I could maybe someday find out why we don't talk. Because I certainly wasn't gonna make a big deal about it in school, and you never talk to me elsewhere. I did somewhat expect you to check my blog sooner than you did, 'because I check yours muchly. Mostly because you post a ton, but still. You can find everything again at my journal. I'll make sure to make it an open entry. To be overly critical, none of what you wrote there is in your journal.
(The post that started it all...)
Fox has gotten way creepy. Like old man pediophile creepy. Thanks. I know I was never intended to read this, but still... He looks for the tiniest things in people and takes that as a sign that not only have they accepted him' Scuse me? I was still under the impression that you hadn't really accepted me before all of this started. You really need to learn how to judge other people's behavior better., but they like him and want to be his best friend. Because the massively self-depreciatin person knows that everyone will want to be their best friend once they meet them. Uh huh. Yep. Bobby and Shawn missed the bus and they were at the bus stop and here are the 2 stories I got, one from Fox and one from Bobby:
Fox's: Yeah your two little freshman friends Did I say that? Really? 'Cause if I did, it's much ruder on paper than I meant to be when I spoke... were out at the bus stop And I know I didn't say "bus stop", because if there's one thing I will never call the Norht Entrance, it's a "bus stop". That, and "crack/whore house". and they were talking about jobs and since I don't have a job I just kinda interuppted Filled a gap. you may call it semantics, but it's not. Trust me. with "I play the violin" and they didn't seem too scared so I think they thought it was cool. Oh, and all that? That was blathering to fill silence. Because I have subcouncious need to fill silence when there are other people around to talk to. Silence is oppressive. And when I fill silence like that, I usually end up thinking while or after I speak. It's more involuntary than it appears, believe me.
Yeah, that's really weird Fox. I told Fox I was going to ask Bobby about it You did? and when I said that he was like "Well I'm just going to follow you over there so I can hear everything you're saying." Oh, yeah. Now I (sorta) remember. Again with the inability to differentiate seriousness and sarcasm. After convincing him that if he followed me I would kick him in the eye repeatedly, Definitely don't remember that. he decided against it. So I decided aginst doing somehting I never intended to do? Is that possible? So I told Bobby "I hear Fox talked to you after school..."
Bobby's story : Yeah, he was really really weird. Like I was just talking to Shawn and all of a sudden he was like "I play the violin." I was like... oh ok. And then he was like "You know, I could be home right now if I wanted to." He was really weird...
Well, thanks for letting me know not to ever talk to Bobby again, because He actually listens to my random insertions. Plus, there were other people ther who had, at the same time, hit a wierd pause in conversation. I said that to no one in particular in order to (everybody, now...) fill the silence.
Would that line not creep you the hell out? "I could be home right now if I wanted to...."With an implied "but I'm not, because I don't like being there very much at all? And I know for a fact that when I said that, I most certainly didn't "..." it. It was a simple statement like "Cats have whiskers." Nobody ever "..."s sentences like those. I'm a little scared by it. Well, yeah, I would be, if I'd said it the way I didn't. Like the fact that he's staying around to talk to some random freshmen makes him or them cool. When I'm around, nothing's cool. I'm painfuly aware of that, thanks. And besides the creepiness, he's gotten so unfriendly.Reciprocations a bitch, ain't it. I'll ask him to reassure me about something and he'll go into these metaphysical reasons "I don't know what he looks like, even, I can't speak on his behalf. Sorry." IS NOT A METAPHYSICAL REASON! why he cannot do that b.c he doesn't want to be a liar until I just scream at him "CAN'T YOU JUST BE A FRIEND?!?!?"Not when being a freind means lying about something like that, where if you assumed the lie was true, and it wasn't, I'd get blamed and we'd probably be having some argument like this. He tells me when people say bad things about me Because it's nice to know who your enemies are. At least, I would think so. and then he agrees with them. WHAT? When? And he thinks he's being amusing but he's so not. And now I think I'm being amusing my doing something I didn't do! How strange... He's going to everyone's So now Rick and Bob are everybody? Whoa.... graduation party and he wasn't really invited to any of them. Bob invited me, and Rick could've easily lied about having a graduation party if he didn't want me there. And had I been around for Davey's, or gone to Tom's, they had invitations up on the board in the band room, thus inviting everyone in the band Yesterday Rick begged me to take him to Tom's Because apparently, simply asking someone to leave never works. Especially when it isn't actually attempted. with me b/c Mayo live right down the street from him and would not leave until he absolutely had too. And that was mostly due to the fact that I couldn't remember when my brother's graduation party ended, and I didn't want to be there. And he wants to be ostracized even more than he already is. I swear. There are things I can't write in here b.c of who reads it who, exactly, can read your private entries (when you don't put them in someone else's comments to let them know what was in the entry)? , but he's just going to get himself killed or at least maimed. Ooh, I'm trembling... /sarcasm. Oh no. Death or pain. What ever shall I do. B/C HE'S SO SOCIALLY STUPID! **Ahem** duh. But maybe if people would let me know how to fix it, instead of (maybe) telling me that I am, I could do something about it. Just maybe.
Argh an all Fox post. I never thought I'd see the day. Thanks.
There's the entry you missed. Yes I feel a bit stupid, but that was probably your point. Noo... My point was to let you know why I hadn't been at the luch table or talking to you during bandstudyhall the last week of school. Hence, my putting that as the reason at the very beginning of my post.
(From her livejournal)
This is the absolute most heart breaking thing I have ever read in my life. Yeah, it's about me, from one of my closest friends, who felt the need only to say this in his journal, waiting for me to find it. That issue's already been addressed...
If certain people (who can drop off the face of the earth---painfully, if possible) are wondering why I haven't spoken to them in three days, maybe they should stop being such a hypocritical bitch.
Or, even said person weren't to have been so unneccisarily rude, they need to stop being so wonky about Bobby & guys in general anyway. Now this person has NO RIGHT to say that. At all. B/C they are as bad or worse and if they don't realize it by now.... Oh right. Becauae with you, guys and things involving guys manage to effect you pretty much as a whole person and have major emotional effects in pretty unrelated areas. For me, guys are entertainment when they're attractive right now, because I know that only 1 in 10 is going to be potentially interested, and out of them, very few actually would be, due to my social stupidity. I mean, as nice as being with one would be, it's not hte major driving force in any of my actions. They're eye-candy for now, and that's it.
[the rest of my post]
That was all directed right at me. So how am I supposed to respond without sound really childish It'd actually be pretty easy, if you gave it some thought... and bringing up EVERYTHING this person has done to alienate me ditto. Although it might be nice, so that I wouldn't do things like that to other people in the future., to make me feel stupid and unwanted and unpretty and basically only there b/c no one else was. Said person has gotten so viciously mean to me, like, I was seriously complaining about it long before this incident took place... and I sucked it up as all in good humor which it was, up until this point.... god. And I'm not really mad, it's just another little thing added to my plie of "why no one ever wants to be my friend." But I did want to be your freind, until you did that. It was just incredibly offensive, whether you meant it to be or not. And I'm not ready to forgive you, yet. I'm well aware that I do have things I need to fix, but not what, precisely, because everyone feels it's neccisary to tell me the general problem, but not enough for me to fix it, despite the fact that doing so ywould be heavily beneficial to them. Which is odd, given the "I need stuff/for things to be perfect(which usually involves getting more stuff) state of society today.
Whoever says that summer break is fun needs to be shot.
Yes Fox, if you knew how absolutely little I appreciate that. Gads I wish you had some clue as to why I need to write a journal entry about you. Well, maybe you should have told me, instead of just telling me you wrote it... I feel so extremely hurt, right now. You are entirely way too selfish. I sit there and listen to your droning on about guys and how all of them are potentially gay No... That was just one, and when he gave an answer, I shut up, except for a couple times when the subject was already pretty much on him already. And I never droned. I would say something, let you refute it if you wished, let you make your points, and so on. If you didn't want to hear it, you could've told me to shut up. But you never do, because for some odd reason you think it won't work, even though you've never tried it. and I try to stay positive and actually listen and give you my input And I appreciate that. and then I try to get ANY advice whatsoever about this lame Bobby situation.... which I can't give because I don't know him at all! You were asking for advice before I knew what he looked like. And I'm sorry, but you know as well as I that I'm not gonna be able to speak for other guys, especially ones in situations that I haven't been in. I'm the hypocritical bitch... yes ok. Because you're all about giving the advice I never ask for... I wish you would just once fiegn an interest and try to be a friend to me I do. But you're too preoccupied to notice, I guess. I mean, why does it have to be the other way around only? It doesn't. I never tried to make it that way at all. And I am (oh sorry, was) your closest friend but you can't support me through any of my little tiny That's an understatement crush which Shannon and I JOKINGLY refer to as stalking. I'm aware it's a joke. But it's the most fitting way to refer to it, because that's how you do. If you want me to call what you're doing something else, give me an option of some sort. All other ideas I have still, in essence, are "stalking" in some way. Why do you have to blow his up into a huge dramatic thing when it could have been a little tiny argument in which we just talked things out? Oh, I don't know.... Maybe because you never talk to me outside of school, and I didn't trust myself not to make it some big, unwanted-attention-drawing thing if I tried to talk about it at school. You could have asked my something, Like what, exactly? I mean, how the FUCK am I supposed to know what's going through that curly little head of yours? By reading what I wrote in this blog, because you never really gave me any other options to let you know, thanks. But instead you join a new lunch table Sorry for not wanting to be near a source of current bitterness and anger. I mean, that would make it so much better! ( and EVERYDAY I asked someone why you weren't sitting with me, I'm the only one who really cared) Which is why you asked anyone but me, the person who would be able to give an naswer. Riiiiight.... and sit and stew and call me your ex-friend. Actually, I sat at the other table so that I'd be doing something to get my mind off of things. Flynn is a very good distraction, in cases like this. And I call you an ex-freind, currently, becasuse you haven't done anything to redeem yourself in my eyes. Do you know how many things I could have rightfully punched you in the face about? Do you understand that I wouldn't give a shit if you did? Pain means nothing to me. I wish it did, but it doesn't. And ther are many, many things I would've punched you for, if it werent' for the fac tthat I know it wouldn't do much. Do you understand how mean and cocky you have gotten, especially towards me? Me, cocky? When did that happen? I don't consider myself above amny people, and the ones I do I have good reason to. You aren't one of them. Sorry for becoming less self depriciating and sorta confident. God knows that If I were to actually like myself in some way, it'd be horrible... ("Must make you feel great about how you looked last fall" If you can't recognize when I'm not being serious by now, I'm not sure how you could've ever thought you knew me well. "I showed Flynn your picture and he was like 'Who's that?' but then I told him it was you and he was like 'oh nevermind' and I guess I can kinda see what he was talking about." As in, if I saw a picture of an attractive person and found out it was my ex, I'd do the same thing.) And I think the whole lj entry was about you going and randomly talking to Bobby and creeping him out. Glad you think enough of me to have checked... And you would have know that had you asked. Uh huh... I would think it'd be kind of relevant what an enrty about my "creepyness" was about right when you told me about it, not something I had to ask you about. But that's just my opinion, you don't have to listen to it. After all, I said it. Why couldn't you just talk to me? Because you never give me a chance. And why should I talk to you when I feel like I need to be defensive whenever I'm around you. Why do you need to be defensive around me?
Have I not supported you Yes, you have not. and acted like I was interested Because acting interested is so much better than being interested, or being honest... in what you were saying the entire time we've been friends? And I was really just starting to feel like I could hold great converstaions Because hey!--you started listening! with you, really connect (while sucking up all the negative energy you were throwing directly at meThat was never serious until that entry...) Too bad you had to lie with your "But most of all I love Heather Wilken," It wasn't a lie, then. Glad you think that my current feelings apply to all actions I made, ever... b/c I felt really special. I said outloud in public AT OUR SCHOOL "I love Fox Fox'slastname," and I meant it. As opposed to actually letting me know... But I have no clue how I am supposed to react to this. DId I say you had to? I hope you've gotten the much needed Umm... no. but totally unnessicary Well, 1 out of 2 ain't bad... drama in your life for now. Do you know what I'd give to be completely absolved of any drama, just for a day? (I mean, I know that if it happened, I'd hate it, but it's the principle) Thanks for posting this in your BLOG so I could maybe someday find out why we don't talk. Because I certainly wasn't gonna make a big deal about it in school, and you never talk to me elsewhere. I did somewhat expect you to check my blog sooner than you did, 'because I check yours muchly. Mostly because you post a ton, but still. You can find everything again at my journal. I'll make sure to make it an open entry. To be overly critical, none of what you wrote there is in your journal.
(The post that started it all...)
Fox has gotten way creepy. Like old man pediophile creepy. Thanks. I know I was never intended to read this, but still... He looks for the tiniest things in people and takes that as a sign that not only have they accepted him' Scuse me? I was still under the impression that you hadn't really accepted me before all of this started. You really need to learn how to judge other people's behavior better., but they like him and want to be his best friend. Because the massively self-depreciatin person knows that everyone will want to be their best friend once they meet them. Uh huh. Yep. Bobby and Shawn missed the bus and they were at the bus stop and here are the 2 stories I got, one from Fox and one from Bobby:
Fox's: Yeah your two little freshman friends Did I say that? Really? 'Cause if I did, it's much ruder on paper than I meant to be when I spoke... were out at the bus stop And I know I didn't say "bus stop", because if there's one thing I will never call the Norht Entrance, it's a "bus stop". That, and "crack/whore house". and they were talking about jobs and since I don't have a job I just kinda interuppted Filled a gap. you may call it semantics, but it's not. Trust me. with "I play the violin" and they didn't seem too scared so I think they thought it was cool. Oh, and all that? That was blathering to fill silence. Because I have subcouncious need to fill silence when there are other people around to talk to. Silence is oppressive. And when I fill silence like that, I usually end up thinking while or after I speak. It's more involuntary than it appears, believe me.
Yeah, that's really weird Fox. I told Fox I was going to ask Bobby about it You did? and when I said that he was like "Well I'm just going to follow you over there so I can hear everything you're saying." Oh, yeah. Now I (sorta) remember. Again with the inability to differentiate seriousness and sarcasm. After convincing him that if he followed me I would kick him in the eye repeatedly, Definitely don't remember that. he decided against it. So I decided aginst doing somehting I never intended to do? Is that possible? So I told Bobby "I hear Fox talked to you after school..."
Bobby's story : Yeah, he was really really weird. Like I was just talking to Shawn and all of a sudden he was like "I play the violin." I was like... oh ok. And then he was like "You know, I could be home right now if I wanted to." He was really weird...
Well, thanks for letting me know not to ever talk to Bobby again, because He actually listens to my random insertions. Plus, there were other people ther who had, at the same time, hit a wierd pause in conversation. I said that to no one in particular in order to (everybody, now...) fill the silence.
Would that line not creep you the hell out? "I could be home right now if I wanted to...."With an implied "but I'm not, because I don't like being there very much at all? And I know for a fact that when I said that, I most certainly didn't "..." it. It was a simple statement like "Cats have whiskers." Nobody ever "..."s sentences like those. I'm a little scared by it. Well, yeah, I would be, if I'd said it the way I didn't. Like the fact that he's staying around to talk to some random freshmen makes him or them cool. When I'm around, nothing's cool. I'm painfuly aware of that, thanks. And besides the creepiness, he's gotten so unfriendly.Reciprocations a bitch, ain't it. I'll ask him to reassure me about something and he'll go into these metaphysical reasons "I don't know what he looks like, even, I can't speak on his behalf. Sorry." IS NOT A METAPHYSICAL REASON! why he cannot do that b.c he doesn't want to be a liar until I just scream at him "CAN'T YOU JUST BE A FRIEND?!?!?"Not when being a freind means lying about something like that, where if you assumed the lie was true, and it wasn't, I'd get blamed and we'd probably be having some argument like this. He tells me when people say bad things about me Because it's nice to know who your enemies are. At least, I would think so. and then he agrees with them. WHAT? When? And he thinks he's being amusing but he's so not. And now I think I'm being amusing my doing something I didn't do! How strange... He's going to everyone's So now Rick and Bob are everybody? Whoa.... graduation party and he wasn't really invited to any of them. Bob invited me, and Rick could've easily lied about having a graduation party if he didn't want me there. And had I been around for Davey's, or gone to Tom's, they had invitations up on the board in the band room, thus inviting everyone in the band Yesterday Rick begged me to take him to Tom's Because apparently, simply asking someone to leave never works. Especially when it isn't actually attempted. with me b/c Mayo live right down the street from him and would not leave until he absolutely had too. And that was mostly due to the fact that I couldn't remember when my brother's graduation party ended, and I didn't want to be there. And he wants to be ostracized even more than he already is. I swear. There are things I can't write in here b.c of who reads it who, exactly, can read your private entries (when you don't put them in someone else's comments to let them know what was in the entry)? , but he's just going to get himself killed or at least maimed. Ooh, I'm trembling... /sarcasm. Oh no. Death or pain. What ever shall I do. B/C HE'S SO SOCIALLY STUPID! **Ahem** duh. But maybe if people would let me know how to fix it, instead of (maybe) telling me that I am, I could do something about it. Just maybe.
Argh an all Fox post. I never thought I'd see the day. Thanks.
There's the entry you missed. Yes I feel a bit stupid, but that was probably your point. Noo... My point was to let you know why I hadn't been at the luch table or talking to you during bandstudyhall the last week of school. Hence, my putting that as the reason at the very beginning of my post.
(From her livejournal)
This is the absolute most heart breaking thing I have ever read in my life. Yeah, it's about me, from one of my closest friends, who felt the need only to say this in his journal, waiting for me to find it. That issue's already been addressed...
If certain people (who can drop off the face of the earth---painfully, if possible) are wondering why I haven't spoken to them in three days, maybe they should stop being such a hypocritical bitch.
Or, even said person weren't to have been so unneccisarily rude, they need to stop being so wonky about Bobby & guys in general anyway. Now this person has NO RIGHT to say that. At all. B/C they are as bad or worse and if they don't realize it by now.... Oh right. Becauae with you, guys and things involving guys manage to effect you pretty much as a whole person and have major emotional effects in pretty unrelated areas. For me, guys are entertainment when they're attractive right now, because I know that only 1 in 10 is going to be potentially interested, and out of them, very few actually would be, due to my social stupidity. I mean, as nice as being with one would be, it's not hte major driving force in any of my actions. They're eye-candy for now, and that's it.
[the rest of my post]
That was all directed right at me. So how am I supposed to respond without sound really childish It'd actually be pretty easy, if you gave it some thought... and bringing up EVERYTHING this person has done to alienate me ditto. Although it might be nice, so that I wouldn't do things like that to other people in the future., to make me feel stupid and unwanted and unpretty and basically only there b/c no one else was. Said person has gotten so viciously mean to me, like, I was seriously complaining about it long before this incident took place... and I sucked it up as all in good humor which it was, up until this point.... god. And I'm not really mad, it's just another little thing added to my plie of "why no one ever wants to be my friend." But I did want to be your freind, until you did that. It was just incredibly offensive, whether you meant it to be or not. And I'm not ready to forgive you, yet. I'm well aware that I do have things I need to fix, but not what, precisely, because everyone feels it's neccisary to tell me the general problem, but not enough for me to fix it, despite the fact that doing so ywould be heavily beneficial to them. Which is odd, given the "I need stuff/for things to be perfect(which usually involves getting more stuff) state of society today.
Whoever says that summer break is fun needs to be shot.
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